. . . And letting go

I'm thinking more and more about that, of course, what with my kids growing up every day. Kilby leaving me this spring for Shannon's, Susan fighting her own battles in Minnesota. David's been gone since the day my childbearing years ended.

A short and tense phone conversation with Susan yesterday morning left me praying for her. Mostly that she would rest on the Lord's Day. Also that the Lord would undertake for her needs. One of which is to have a restful mind in the midst of her great passions and gifts. And I left her submissively in the Lord's hands.

God blessed us with a wonderful worship experience at a sister church, and in the midst of a very good sermon, parents were instructed, reminded, to let their children go on to serve the Lord after the "eighteen" (we can argue about that arbitrary, cultural number) years of raising them to do so. And we have. We have raised our children, not to make enough money to have two cars in the driveway, but to love and serve their Maker Redeemer. It is fine with me if He takes them to far away missionfields and on to heaven long before me. We know our eschatology. And I know that there are many lessons that they will be taught in God's school, as He designs their daily curriculum which is no longer under my control. How close I drew to the Lord those years of my third decade!

So, see, Susan? I learned my lesson yesterday, some of which was badly needed review, long before I read your email this morning:

Today's been the best day since I got here and one of the best in many, many months. Pat's sermon this morning was incredibly timed for me. I feel like it's what I needed to once and for all rise above the mental angst that has bound me all semester. Something having to do with total dependence on God's Word and its total sufficiency and amazingness. Nothing very surprising, eh? Much as this sounds like sappy psychology (it's not) I think I've learned a lot about myself: that I am prone to fear and depression and anxiety (newsflash!) and I expect I'll never be free from it. And being the extremely sensitive, nausea-prone, musician-type person I am it's a big deal and I am liable to just get really crazy. Like I've been off and mostly on this semester.

The hard thinking I've done this week and all semester has resulted in what I knew would result, but being not just sensitive but rational I think I had to get there by a thorough process to finally sort things out--so the result: I need God's Word. A lot. And as long as I cling to it I'll be OK. And it will be my remedy (no drugs for me!) when I get crazy. And then there's heaven. . . .

Sorry that I've been a little distant this weekend; or maybe that's all in my head. I've been reluctant to talk through this stuff because I was certain there was an answer and I was close but that I could only get to it on my own and only through a long, thorough thinking-through. I know you probably wish you could be more involved in all this stuff I'm going through as my very dear mommy but I have two things to say to that: 1) It is is too many dimensions and too difficult and too time consuming and too emotionally stressful for me to keep up blow-by-blow communication from
2000 miles away. 2) I don't want you to worry about me. Perhaps what I mean is trust me, and more, trust God with me. I have been living as a servant of Christ for 20 years now and you raised me to believe God's Word and you know how devoted to and bound to and versed in it I am. So I'll always be fine, I promise. And if I'm not you'll know. And you can always be a helicopter parent (I love you!) but I hope you won't mind if sometimes I don't spew everything.

I don't mind. It is good and right that you all grow up. And some of you are going to do that before others of you: another blessing of a large family. I will probably let AJ go more easily than I let Kilby go. May I be more conscious of training the younger ones now that there are fewer children to train.

Having posted this part of your email, Susan, I must also here caution you about the statement: "I expect I'll never be free from it." Dana once taught me that we hide behind besetting sins, calling them besetting sins, and not acknowledging God's power to sanctify. So, though your character and your makeup are such and such, may God gently lead you to live in this world according to His Word.

Perhaps my children will be playing parlor games in someone else's living room one day soon, and their prayers will be added to mine for the lives of my children. Blessed be the Name of the Lord.