Belief

In the night I woke against my will, not knowing whether I was wanting out of a dream about a young family and our church location struggles or wanting to stay in it because it meant sleep which I so badly wanted. Trying to convince myself that I could return to sleep, I prayed for the young family. My shin began to hurt worse and worse and it somehow was connected to a pain that was deep in my hip, alleviated by lying on my other side. I don't know how long I struggled. As the hymn that was playing in my head grew stronger, I considered that perhaps I should stop fighting and go and seek the Lord. Still I lingered in the warm bed, wanting consciousness to disappear. Now my shin was hurting worse. As I pushed the covers aside, I believed that the Lord was calling me to Himself, and I had to quit stalling. How many times has He called, and I have excused myself?

I quietly found a robe, never waking Cal though I turned on the closet light. I crept out to sit downstairs, first finding out why Kilby's light was still on at nearly 1:00 a.m. (She was trying to write poetry but was clearly on her way to bed.) I knew I would first read through the hymn that I was singing in my head, remembering only the first line. Kilby wrote these lyrics a long time ago over a long period of time, and Susan set them to music in her composition class this spring at St. Olaf. And these days it is lifting discouraged spirits. I made a cup of sleepy tea and took an ibuprophen for the pain in my shin and hip, watching over myself lest I was stalling to meet the Lord. I read through the words and meditated a short while on the incredible idea that Jesus prays for me. Shall I doubt that I am His?

Why should I go wearied on
underneath this load of sin,
bowed in deep discouragement,
wandering sad and silent when
Jesus prays for me?

Shall I feel this weight of guilt
since his precious blood was spilt?
Or shall I in sin-born fear
stand outside the haven where
Jesus prays for me?

He who came from heaven's bliss
to this earth in weariness
here to walk and here to die,
lives again, now lifted high
where he prays for me.

Jesus, standing as a Lamb
slain before all time began
for the sins that I had done,
pleads my case before the throne:
there he prays for me.

Therefore to the mercy seat
let my soul draw near in need,
for my great High Priest is he
who learned perfect sympathy,
and he prays for me.

(from Hebrews 4:14-16)
copyright April 2006

Oh, how I need His perfect prayers. Oh, how I need the help of God. I had struggled once again throughout the day with my sin and subsequent confusion. I opened the copy of His Word that was on the shelf at my feet. I began reading where I opened, in the latter part of Ezekiel 34

"I will make with them a covenant of peace and banish wild beasts from the land, so that they may dwell securely in the wilderness and sleep in the woods. And I will make them and the places all around my hill a blessing, and I will send down the showers in their season; they shall be showers of blessing. And the trees of the field shall yield their fruit, and the earth shall yield its increase, and they shall be secure in their land. And they shall know that I am the LORD, when I break the bars of their yoke, and deliver them from the hand of those who enslaved them. They shall no more be a prey to the nations, nor shall the beasts of the land devour them. They shall dwell securely, and none shall make them afraid. And I will provide for them renowned plantations so that they shall no more be consumed with hunger in the land, and no longer suffer the reproach of the nations. And they shall know that I am the LORD their God with them, and that they, the house of Israel, are my people, declares the Lord GOD. And you are my sheep, human sheep of my pasture, and I am your God, declares the Lord God."

Could it be for me? May I really consider myself one of His own sheep? I read backward to the section preceding that one:

"For thus says the Lord GOD: Behold, I, I myself will search for my sheep and will seek them out. As a shepherd seeks out his flock when he is among his sheep that have been scattered, so will I seek out my sheep, and I will rescue them from all places where they have been scattered on a day of clouds and thick darkness. And I will bring them out from the peoples and gather them from the countries, and will bring them into their own land. And I will feed them on the mountains of Israel, by the ravines, and in all the inhabited places of the country. I will feed them with good pasture, and on the mountain heights of Israel shall be their grazing land. There they shall lie down in good grazing land, and on rich pasture they shall feed on the mountains of Israel. I myself will be the shepherd of my sheep, and I myself will make them lie down, declares the Lord GOD. I will seek the lost, and I will bring back the strayed, and I will bind up the injured, and I will strengthen the weak, and the fat and the strong I will destroy. I will feed them in justice.

"As for you, my flock, thus says the Lord GOD: Behold, I judge between sheep and sheep, between rams and male goats. Is it not enough for you to feed on the good pasture, that you must tread down with your feet the rest of your pasture; and to drink of clear water, that you must muddy the rest of the water with your feet? And must my sheep eat what you have trodden with your feet, and drink what you have muddied with your feet?

"Therefore, thus says the Lord GOD to them: Behold, I, I myself will judge between the fat sheep and the lean sheep. Because you push with side and shoulder, and thrust at all the weak with your horns, till you have scattered them abroad, I will rescue my flock; they shall no longer be a prey. And I will judge between sheep and sheep. And I will set up over them one shepherd, my servant David, and he shall feed them: he shall feed them and be their shepherd. And I, the LORD, will be their God, and my servant David shall be prince among them. I am the LORD; I have spoken.

And then I went back to the beginning of the chapter and read the whole chapter again, this time learning about the unfaithful shepherds who had fattened themselves and neglected the sheep. As I read the Word of the Lord and considered where I was in all of this I was both convicted and comforted. I began to believe that He, my Shepherd, the Greater than David, had called me forth to read this passage this night.

I opened, then, Charles H. Spurgeon's Morning and Evening also at my feet. Since it was the beginning of a new day, I read the morning selection for June 16:

“And I give unto them eternal life, and they shall never perish.” John 10:28

The Christian should never think or speak lightly of unbelief. For a child of God to mistrust his love, his truth, his faithfulness, must be greatly displeasing to him. How can we ever grieve him by doubting his upholding grace? Christian! it is contrary to every promise of God’s precious Word that thou shouldst ever be forgotten or left to perish. If it could be so, how could he be true who has said, “Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I never forget thee.” What were the value of that promise—“The mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee.” Where were the truth of Christ’s words—“I give unto my sheep eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand. My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father’s hand.” Where were the doctrines of grace? They would be all disproved if one child of God should perish. Where were the veracity of God, his honour, his power, his grace, his covenant, his oath, if any of those for whom Christ has died, and who have put their trust in him, should nevertheless be cast away? Banish those unbelieving fears which so dishonour God. Arise, shake thyself from the dust, and put on thy beautiful garments. Remember it is sinful to doubt his Word wherein he has promised thee that thou shalt never perish. Let the eternal life within thee express itself in confident rejoicing.

I crept back to bed with confident rejoicing as I have not known in a long time. Sweetness. Blessing. These sweet realities were confirmed this morning during our family worship with the lyrics of the hymn we sang (from Psalm 38):

In thy wrath and hot displeasure, chasten not they servant, Lord;
let thy mercy, without measure, help and peace to me afford.
Heavy is my tribulation, sore my punishment has been;
broken by thine indignation, I am troubled by my sin.

With my burden of transgression heavy-laden, overborne,
humbled low I make confession, for my folly now I mourn,
Weak and wounded, I implore thee; Lord, to me thy mercy show;
all my pray'r is now before thee, all my trouble thou dost know.

Darkness gathers, foes assail me, but I answer not a word;
all my friends desert and fail me, only thou my cry has heard.
Lord, in thee am I confiding; thou wilt answer when I call,
lest my foes, the good deriding, triumph in thy servant's fall.

I am prone to halt and stumble, grief and sorrow dwell within,
shame and guilt my spirit humble; I am sorry for my sin.
Lord, my God, do not forake me; let me know that thous art near,
under thy protection take me, as my Savior now appear.

Praise God from Whom all blessings flow. I look forward to our corporate worship of His excellent holiness tomorrow.