Old letter

January 27, 1983

Dear Pink,

    I felt your prayers with me throughout the weekend. And today was startled to remember what you said before you left for Florida about feeling that I had met a stabilizer. He is, indeed, that. 

    Cal is not what I expected, but his goodness and devotion and intelligence and [Melvin] sense of humor have humbled me. He is blessed with a razor-sharp mind and great & well-trained logical faculties. He is also blessed with a large & submissive heart devoted to his Lord. These are ultimately the most attractive things I see in any man. And for all Cal's obedience his masculinity is well-developed. I believe it is this which allows him to be so incredibly gentle and sensitive and tender.

    He is tall. And big (admits to needing to diet). And graciously accepts himself making it inevitably easier to feel comfortable with him. Indeed, walking next to him I not only feel my thinness (I'm 149!) & femininity, but actually delicate! How nice.

    The weekend was a good gift though I believe I rebelled against it at first--of course covering my discomfort with graciousness & apparent acceptance. We spent Saturday at the Wade Collection, Billy Graham Center, my studio, out to lunch. Then back to OB where I made dinner. Utter weariness setting in. It was after six and chicken needed boning and Dad's stomach needed something. So I sent Cal out of the kitchen with a tray of cheese & crackers to join Dad in the family room. What a providentially wise thing to do! Dad was working on the rewritten syllabus & right away started picking Cal's brain. And Cal, to whom I will be forever grateful, not only responded, but instantly understood both what Dad was doing and the value of what Dad was doing. He returns in Feb. for the Wheaton project workshop. 

    Then dinner. Weariness. Quietness. Letting everyone else (Laurie & David were home as well as Marcia & Sarah for Sat. night dinner) play and pun and accept Cal. Devotions by the firelight in the living room & Dad called on me to recite Psalm 139. I said it perfectly for once and with more love and meaning than I remember. Surely this is a gift from God. And David prayed a very thoughtful prayer. Then I got up to do dinner dishes knowing everyone was too busy with seminar prep. Cal went out to the Inn to help & talk.

    Washed my hair & dried it by the fire. Went up & got the unsent letter to Cal I'd referred to all day, wrote a note about going to bed "early" (it was 11 pm) & left it on his bed. He came in just after I'd gone in my room. But I needed space & didn't try to see him again.

    Deep down inside somewhere I was doing spiritual battle. And the HS would have his way with me. Soon I was giving in to hot, cleansing tears of submission. Woke Sunday refreshed and with a gift of openness & responsiveness & acceptance--no longer just a gracious act. And after obedience I grew to know someone as fine as I shall ever meet.

    It was a thrill standing next to him--at my fully stretched height & with spike-heeled boots!--during the hymns at Sunday's wonderful-for-everybody service (I've sent you the tape--on Simplicity.) Watching DeK's startled face as he tried to figure out where that voice was coming from. I discovered his voice coach was not only a leading tenor in Brit. opera but was trained by Enrico Caruso & helped to train both Pavarotti & Bev. Sills! A personal friend of Benj. Britten & R.V.Wms. What a beautiful voice & how beautiful his love for God makes it.

    After church Dad introduced him around. And of course Gabor had to kiss me & everyone else had to make suggestive comments. Which he used to let me know what he thought of me by telling them in front of helpless me. Grace enough to smile & let it spill. 

    After Mom, Dad, & Marcia left for Cincinatti on Sunday, I retired to the couch in the living room. I cannot describe how utterly exhausted I was--a month of no sleep & tension & anticipation released! Cal joined me and we sat around or laid around (finally swapping much-needed backrubs) the living room talking till ten! About everything. Finally getting to know each other. He made himself quite vulnerable-- a favor which I did not return for the better part of feminine prudence. I did not acknowledge to him how all of his dreams and desires match mine perfectly--a thing he shall come to know only as God's will manifests itself that we are meant for each other. We went out for a 4 mile walk with Countess at ten. Then sat talking until 3:30 a.m.

    Monday morning I went to Elgin with him to meet his wonderful great-aunt "Pegs" who had pictures of their [handsome!] family reunion this summer. It was good to see Cal against the fabric of his own family. He was at his ease & I learned so much more of him in just two hours. By the time he left I could sense his desire and knew my own. 

    He tried to call last night & I missed him. He talked to Mom & Dad. I have figured out--doubt he has--that we shall probably see one another once a month until Marcia's wedding to which he agreed to come.

    I am now sleeping & full of my work. Happy--very happy to wait & see what are the Lord's purposes. Cal is very very good for me & I see it vice versa, too.

    We shall both need your prayers--him for his work and commitment to the integrity of the scriptures. And me for a willing heart & a clear head. 

    I doubt I should ever have gotten to know Cal if we hadn't first written. And I certainly wouldn't have chosen him. But if God leads him to choose me I shall joyfully submit for I couldn't find a better helpmate or father for my children.

    Excuse the melodrama of my writing--but want you to know my deepest & happy heart.

            More in time.

            May the inexpressible & unquenchable joy of Jesus Christ overflow your heart. 

            Deb