Unfinished Journal

Just brought last daughtie to her first job and sitting at a table in the quiet food court to write.

Last night's walk at full moon twilight, I realized I'd left without my phone. There felt a freedom then in that.

The last few weeks there has been growing a greater peace; taking days as they come, being content to accomplish one or two things--often, therefore, more. Perhaps it is the passing of several larger obligations. Perhaps it is a greater trust in the Lord in the face of my helplessness. I have more intentionally, consciously turned my mind to my own work, my own life. I imagine that leaves the children feeling freer and more responsible. And then there have been several growth points: Desi's words about Peter's concern over John's usefulness to the Lord: following Jesus no matter what others are doing (even your own kids). Paul Tripp's reminders from How People Change. Many signs of growth and good values in my son. Several hard, but good, conversations with the children bringing greater communication and understanding between us. These have served to take away some of my fears of them, for them. Their positive responses in deed. Kevin's sermons. Oh, Kevin's sermons; the beauty of the Lord so prominent. Facing death. Valuing Cal's heart.

There was a lightness as I walked. Twice yesterday I listened to Sketches in the Christian Life #6: How To Read The Bible, reminding me of my identity in Christ, more so His love for me, my relationship with God--these things, and being out after supper alone for a walk with no agenda, no obligations the rest of the evening, no phone--gave me a sense I remember from my girlhood walks. And I prayed. More focused than my distracted usual (but yet, distracted and unfinished). This time I realized it didn't matter.

At one point near the homeward stretch, I found myself praying again for my kids. Even claiming God's promises (so hard to do without presumption). Recognizing (is it His Holy Spirit?) that He had given me a single lifelong passion that they would know, love, obey, and serve Him. And my heart was flooded by a hope that it would be so, that I could rest insofar as my earnest hoping goes. I asked if God could let me see some sign that He would complete what He had begun. No, I know from His word that He does so. So I wanted assurance that He has begun it--that it is not merely moralist fruit tied on a tree that will begin to rot as the heat comes.

Then this morning, the joy of watching my son answer his father's questions even though he may not be a "morning" person who wants to talk, and the grace of hearing his prayer for us; short, but I sensed no resistance or dismay, only a manly submission to this father's request, and a sense of his trust in God. (Please give him that A on his geology test!)

After AJ and Cal left the kitchen Grace began bubbling about her new job. She feels so appreciated and loved already (because of her character, competence, and responsibility). I affirmed that, and told her it was because God had made us good parents, not coddling, nor teaching her to esteem herself, and this was the payoff. Yes, Grace, you are beautiful and lovable, and to the glory of God alone!

I'm sitting outside the food court at the waterfall now; the food prep smells and music becoming too intrusive for thinking. This may become a favorite spot.

Finished Stephen's painting last night, but unhappy with it's sloppiness.

Began making notes of the things I really wanted to write about. That led me to call Dana before writing. Her advice: women are changeable, lean on Cal. Trust God to work through him whom He has given me. I gave up on my task and came home to talk the notes through with Cal, my head, my husband, my best friend, my love.