Saturday, March 28, 2009, Prescott

Saturday night
March 28, 2009

Kim’s washing up the dinner dishes. Gloria is trying to enjoy a travel show on television and has asked again if she can help Kim. Of course, Kim always says “no”. (I was able to say tonight that when she gets all better we’ll let her help out more. I DIDN’T say that why we don’t let her help now is that she may be infectious. Of course why Kim doesn’t let her help is their long-established business.)

Anyway, I’ve come in here to try to catalog a day.

I woke before six and lay still trying to pray, enjoying the heat of the bed since the air around me was cold. I keep the heating vent in my room-with-three-windows closed against the dry heat of the house. Last night I did not sleep with the window open because it was too cold.

By 6:35 I got out of bed to use the bathroom. Gloria sleeps with her door open and a light on. I creep softly on the carpet and close doors quietly so as not to awaken her. Having slept in her room before, and having heard Kim using the bathroom, I always figure she’ll wake up once I start using water. But neither woman woke. I returned to my room and got dressed and made the bed. Read today’s selections from the Bible including Peter’s words to Jesus: Where would we go? You alone have the truth.

Eventually I heard Kim letting Samantha out on the patio, and sounds of water in the house. I put makeup on today (I skipped it the last two or three days) and dressed in warm clothes after figuring out what I would save for wearing tomorrow to church.

Once Kim and Gloria were awake, and Samantha still outdoors, I asked Kim permish to run the vacuum cleaner (the dog HATES it). So I vacuumed the house before breakfast. Returned to my room to text David and Cal about which version of Quicken to download for the estate computer. With their answers, I began that process. It was still installing when Kim called us to the breakfast table: cereal this a.m.

I got Gloria’s antibiotic for her and made my own tea. It becomes important for me to manage my own beverages at the table. Kim has been storing the bottled water in old mayo jars on the counter and my imagination has them swimming with bacteria. I did suggest this morning, a suggestion she finally took when I walked away without pressure, to wash the empty ones in the dishwasher.

I spent the morning entering the household receipts on Quicken, and then writing websites to get Gloria’s name removed from fundraising direct mail lists. I might have gotten through a tenth of the junk. And picked up some unwanted cookies in the process which our good old Norton took care of quickly.

At some point Kim came in, maybe a little concerned, sizing me up for concern, to tell me her mom had gone back to bed after breakfast not feeling well. I assured her that perhaps a good nap would do her good. Kim decided to finally sit down and balance her checkbook. I kept at my work. There is just so much to do. But also I often feel alien and like an interloper and unwelcome. I don’t want to be too much around them, but I’m not always sure that they are telegraphing weariness of me, or if I am paranoid. It is most likely the latter.

My eyes and head had too much by elevensies, so I took off my glasses and went out to find Kim who was watching sports. I scrubbed the kitchen sink and cleaned up shedding blossoms behind the sink. Gloria got up and I suggested we warm our hands on mugs of hot chocolate. Gloria agreed. Kim doesn’t seem to care for hot chocolate. So I sat and watched golf and basketball with them a few minutes. Then I returned to the kitchen to keep cleaning. Kim came out to empty the dishwasher and was happy for me to make Gloria’s sandwich; she would make her own. I had asked Gloria if she wanted a sandwich or the corned beef soup which I was going to reheat for my lunch. In her gracious, but demented, way she sought for words to find out if I would be offended if she denied the soup. I laughed at her and told her I’d be happy for her to have a sandwich. And then lunch was ready and we sat down together. I hopped up to get Gloria’s antibiotic, and then again later some green grapes. Kim never thinks of putting fruit on, doesn’t like it much. But she had her regular diet pepsi. She goes through three or four cans of that/day.

Which brings me to a slight ethical dilemma, already encountered in taking care of Dad. As I grow to love these people, I am conflicted about supporting those things that encourage bad health. But as I am not in a position to correct her behavior, nor would she be happy, nor is it all that important, I learn to enjoy her enjoying herself. Tonight I wondered what pain she might be in one day in the hospital with kidney stones.

After lunch I was incredibly sleepy. My eyes are dry here and tired from the computer this morning. So I went to my room, intending to nap. It was warm from the sun. I tried to correspond for a few minutes on facebook, but finally told Kim I was napping. At that time I saw Gloria brushing Sam’s ears at the kitchen table.

I sunk into a deep sleep, interrupted several times by their voices or Sam’s bark. And once by a text message coming in from Cal. But I must have got a bit of a nap. When I woke the house was quiet. Gloria was down for another long nap. I peeked in at Kim and told her I was going for a walk. On my way out of the house I found a letter from Grace filled with photos from Ligonier. My first letter here. Her careful handwriting was so sweet to see. And her message was good. Tucking that and a bottle of water under my arm I set out to walk under the calmest, bluest, loveliest Arizona sky I’ve seen yet. What luxury. What rest God has been giving me. I am very thankful for it. I read Grace’s letter, drank my water, called an elderly lady whom I wanted to invite to church (but she’s committed for the next two Lord’s Days, and then I’ll be gone), talked to Cal, talked to Susan, and just walked quietly, taking in the beauty, thanking God.

Kim joined me on the back porch when I got home, telling me she’d hidden two bills and placed them on my desk. I’ll take care of them on Monday, changing the mailing address to Pembroke Pines. While talking to Cal on my walk I mentioned my unease at arbitrarily turning all these fundraisers away. I am sure she would enjoy reading some of the mail, and I’m sure she gave well to many of these organizations. Cal set my mind at rest, assuring me that it had been his decision, and that now was the time that others would help them, not that they would dish out any more money, especially to organizations that are questionable.

Kim and I sat in the warm sun, talking, some about Gloria’s changing mentality, some about plans for when Kilby gets here. I told her how I will miss her home, and the back patio with its growing peppermint under Kilby’s windows. I will. I will miss the peace and quietness of life here. I will also be very glad to get back to our own life, and to be of more help to Cal.

Poor Sam, she kept running back and forth, watning to go inside, though Kim had no sympathy for her. She found several shady spots to explore while we sat there. Then I suggested that if Gloria would be up for it, when she woke, we could go for a drive.

When we returned to the house we found Gloria up. We made our suggestion which pleased her. So we put Sam in Kim’s room and headed out in the chick car for new parts of the world. I wanted to drive south toward Groom Creek. Kim assured me (sometimes the way I phrase questions prompts answers she doesn’t really know for sure) that to head south on Senator Highway would bring us into twisty mountain roads. So we headed south, my intention to turn back if it began getting at all like we found Route 89 towards Sedona. We got halfway to Groom Creek, driving through Prescott National Forest, when I decided for Kim’s comfort to head back. But the road was easy and lovely and we saw several wonderful vistas, including some snow-capped peaks. Though I’m sure I won’t have time, and there might be nothing there but homes, I’d like to see if there is some old small town where one could enjoy a cup of tea after the nice drive.

As planned ahead of our drive, once we turned north, we passed their road, and went on north of Prescott and I showed them the place where Kaaren and I walked on Friday morning. We explored a few other roads in the area, looked at our map, and found the north end of Prescott and Willow Creek Resevoir. Gloria enjoyed it and seemed to have never seen it before.

Then I got the idea of stopping on our way through town for bread to go with the potroast I had put in the oven after lunch. I have begun the tradition of making a nice meal on Saturday night, leftovers of which we can eat Sunday night. We bought ice cream as well, and I bought a cake to take to tomorrow’s church potluck. Kim chose fresh, hot bread, part of which we made a snack when we got back home after four. I promised to finish dusting Gloria’s bathroom blinds, and ended up cleaning/disinfecting her whole bathroom. I think we shall make that one of Kilby’s Saturday chores. When I was done, Gloria was asking where I was and was playing the hostess and saying I was a guest and I shouldn’t be doing so much work. I told her I was family and that I was just finished and putting things away. I sat down with them for ten minutes, then got up to make a cole slaw to go with our supper. Kim came out and helped set the table, whispered in my ear, did I want wine (which I knocked over at the dinner table, much to Samantha’s delight), and Gloria came out and asked if she could help.

Both women were delighted with dinner. And then, when Kim and I were finished and waiting for Gloria to finish, I went to get my Bible. I read Psalm 33, then Psalm 23, then Psalm 24. “And I’d better close it or I’ll keep reading.” Gloria encouraged me to keep reading. So I turned to the passage before the triumphal entry and read about Blind Bartimaeus and then about the colt. I commented afterward on how everyone was worshiping Christ then, but a week later they would turn on him. That is when Kim told me that at her church once for Easter they had a live donkey and camel.

After dinner, I hop up to put food away. Kim seems to be happy I help her with that task. I am happy that I get to do it, fishing out the piece of meat Gloria put back on the serving tray, or wiping things down properly before they go into the fridge. Kim stays in her chair, full of eating, resting. Once I get the food put away and Gloria is told twice or thrice that she can’t help Kim clean up, we leave and Kim sets about her favorite job. Gloria went to her chair to watch a show and I came into my room to write. After 45 minutes of it, I put it aside and joined the ladies, serving them a spot of ice cream which I weaseled Kim into letting me buy this afternoon. I had teased her and whined like Samantha and begged. She had said that we would wait until she could buy it from the Schwann’s man, but indulgently relented in Albertson’s (Dreyer’s, and it wasn’t very good!) After ice cream and making myself sit through the rest of a mindless show about someone buying a condo in Detroit, I came to my room to find Susan calling me about her friend John Luciano leaving school. While talking with her, both women retired for the night. Then I was talking with Cal and warning Gloria about her just washed rugs that are now buckling a bit, a danger to her if she doesn’t remember to lift her feet.

It’s almost nine and I’m ready for sleep. So this is a day in the life of the Byrne home. Best parts today: appreciation for my work, the walk around Hidden Valley, the nap in the room, and pleasing Kim with a neck massage after breakfast. Bless the Lord for the cheer He has ordained in this home. I believe it is His presence.

Grace, mercy, peace, and affection

Thursday evening
March 26, 2009

How I wish I could chronicle all the ins and outs and ups and downs of life here at Coyote Road.
Sitting at the table after dinner tonight, just waiting. Waiting for the good cheer that always follows. We often eat in silence, everyone so hungry. There will be the regular commendation of the cook (Kim) and agreement all round that the food is good.

God has given me much grace and love to serve up cheerfulness. And I believe that it is catching. He has also given me wisdom to hold back a bit so that it doesn't oppress. I'm learning to sit quietly and be a guest. Or the youngest sister. Or the new kid on the block. Yet, they are gracefully appreciating my ability to sense and meet a need, like hopping up to get toast which makes the right addition to a skimpy breakfast, or to turn up the thermostat and grab a blanket if Aunt Gloria feels cold. Or to wink at the person who is turning to me in exasperation over the other one. I have studied them and their ways and God gives grace to include me here. I believe that the cheer has not always been here. But I do believe I am seeing the fruit of the presence of the glory of God through His humble servant. I am thrilled to be reading the Word to them at one meal or other each day. No longer am I trying to load them with all that Cal and I read together in front of Kim. But I am finding some lovely piece each day, and sometimes finding it possible to comment on it.

I believe they are used to me now. And used to someone else in the home. I more easily trust that Kilby's transition in will be smoother than I feared.

Today an elderly lady from their church stopped by to visit them. I believe it must have been charity, because they didn't know each other hardly at all. This elegant old Texan (who moved to Prescott the year I was born!) was quite a sad one. I'm not sure who was getting more out of this visit. It was interesting to watch my hosts listen and relate and try to comfort this widow, who though proper and charming spoke on the verge of tears about struggling with depression. And then I made the mistake? of asking her if her husband was still alive. She detailed a most pathetic story about the end of his life after a debilitating stroke. And then about her divorced children. And then about her granddaughter whose husband just lost his job in Indiana and had to cancel phone service to make ends meet. But we did have opportunity, this woman and I, to speak of God providing and to speak of being thankful instead of complaining. And it brought out some good thoughts in Gloria.

The social worker came today. It changed my views on social workers. He was kind and knowledgeable and helpful and wise. We had a chance to talk while the CNA who came early bathed Gloria and Kim was out walking Sam. The timing on that was a great blessing and a relief. And then when Gloria came out, I excused myself so that he could talk to her without my hovering presence. He left after he had covered all he came to cover, finishing with a very good lesson on forgiveness.

Kim and I are fast friends. She's asked to take me out to lunch before I leave. We hold hands when we take walks, or even just get the mail which she's come to trust me with combing through so that Gloria doesn't get financial things she can't handle anymore. I offer to help in the kitchen, and usually prepare the salad and bread while she does the box mac n cheese or canned soup or her own new version of "homemade" spaghetti. She tells me what to put away after supper, but she never "lets" me help with cleanup. She gives me hugs good morning, and hugs good night if we think of it. She brings me an apple fritter when she's done delivering donuts to charities on Tuesday morning with her Lions friends. She sat on my bed today while the social worker was talking to Gloria, watching me practice different screen savers just to entertain her. At dinner she tried to describe it to her mom. I find easy ways of explaining things too hard for either of them, and the explanations come fast; to me, another sign of grace.

Tomorrow I won't join them for breakfast as they took my news that I'd been invited out to swim at 6:45 a.m. in stride. The activity has been changed to a trail walk at 7:30 with coffee following, but they don't need that information. I am thankful for how well things are working presently. It bodes well for Kilby's mental health.

For you who have prayed for us, thank you. And please keep this dear family in your prayers. Perhaps over the days and weeks and months of God's grace in this home through whatever humble servants He places here, these women will come to know Him.

More from Prescott

Wednesday afternoon.
March 25, 2009

Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity! It is like the precious oil upon the head, running down on the beard, the beard of Aaron, running down on the edge of his garments. It is like the dew of Hermon, descending upon the mountains of Zion; for there the Lord commanded the blessing—Life forevermore.

Kim is with the program now. I went out to the garage to return the stepstool I had been using to clean the kitchen blinds. Her mom, Gloria, was at the kitchen table doing her physical therapy exercises. Kim followed me out the door, having grabbed the mailbox keys when she saw me leaving. As I turned to see her she put her finger up to her mouth to shush me. She saw our opportunity and made the plan herself that while Mom was preoccupied, we would get the mail together so that I could weed out the bills and send them home for Cal to pay. (Yesterday I decided that to pass her junk mail on to her is harmless enough, until she decides to donate. And I was pleased to see most of the mail ripped up and in the wastebasket at the end of the day, with the return address stickers saved in a pile.) As of a few days ago I nearly despaired that I would be able to figure out how to get what we need of the financial mail, because I couldn’t figure how much Kim can understand. She brought me a bill this morning from the bottled water delivery man. I think she’s well on our page.

Gloria’s dementia is quite with us now. I saw in her tiredness yesterday afternoon how very confused she was. It had been a big day, of course, with blood tests and physical therapist and nurse visits. But today, when she should not be suffering from much tiredness, her mind is clearly not what it was. She came to me for help in figuring out the health care visitors’ schedule. There is a big calendar in her home health notebook with appointments written on each day. We sat at the kitchen table while she asked about dates and about people and about times. I shall not chronicle the seven or eight minutes that it took for her to copy over four appointments onto a notepad. One waits cheerfully and patiently, coaching discovery. But in those minutes I realized just how hopeless is her mind. May she totally forget that she long ago turned over her finances to Cal, and may she totally forget that bills were even her domain. I pray that as she sees Kim and me happy together, her soul will be deeply comforted and she will lay down her burdens.

The days are getting happier, with fun, good-natured humor at the meals, and easy ways to help and please and aid. Even Kim is watching out for her, doing favors sometimes, taking responsibility sometimes, or reminding her of what she can’t remember.

And Kim. My, what a memory. And also what a tragedy. I have to wonder often if she would have been a more self-suffficient person had she been trained according to the Word of God. Aside from a slight speech impediment and difficulty with time lapses (she got her nails done on Friday, even though it must have been three weeks ago, she refers to it as last week), I can’t see that she is not quick-witted and capable of most household tasks. She even keeps her own checking account and better than most accounts that Cal has seen. I pray that she will come to love Kilby as I believe she is loving me. And I pray that she will come, in time, to know the gospel. And I pray that the gospel will free her from many things that have held her back, including trash television.

Now don’t get me started on trash tv and trash advertising and trash news, all designed to make souls dependent on our grimy gods of health and wealth and safety. It is shameless. And I think of the elderly who are confused with the rapid decline of our culture and how it panders to them. Oh, Christ, come quickly.