October 20 - 22, 1994

Almost six weeks out of the birth of my sixth child, I recorded the following in the journal I just uncovered in order to find the birth stats of said child as his wife is now expecting their first. Thought the thoughts recorded then, when I was in the throes of raising kids, might be of some encouragement to those who find themselves there now.

Thursday. I am hard & cold & vindictive. I am bitter. Bitterness fills me. God, forgive me & remove it, please. It confuses me. Confusion overwhelms me. And the silence of no answers embitters me. I have no one to turn to but You, O God! Forgive my bitterness over that. For who else do I need?! Why am I bitter? Bitter over my lack of grace & love for my children, my confusion about raising them. Bitter that I can't turn to Cal for help for he is too busy, and bitter that he can't see or feel the seriousness of our problems. 

....

Had a long difficult talk with Cal. He said he was glad we talked. I think he feels better that we communicated. But talking doesn't solve our problems, just airs them. Now what is to be done?

Friday. Cal had deacons' meeting at Shoney's at 6 a.m. Kilby woke me at 6:35 with coughing. God gave me grace to help her hospitably. Then one by one the kids awoke. Quiet grace for them through me from God....

Saturday. 6 to 7 loads of laundry today. I lost count. Cleaned bathroom. Picked up around the house. Did some mending. Made a banana pudding for lunch of otherwise leftovers. Stir fry supper. Had kids work with me most of the day. Wore myself out. Cal bought grass seed & timbers & straw. Top soil is due here on Monday. 

Lord, I feel so that you are silent, far from me. I'm sure it's my own fault, but I don't know what to do  about it. I see your "footprints", your grace in my life. I feel the heavy hand of your Holy Spirit's conviction. I remember what I know from scripture re: assurance of salvation. But I feel so lost these days. So utterly powerless to do good where it's needed. I can work diligently in my home & serve my husband & children well; the fruit of the spirit is faithfulness. But I fail so miserably at loving them. There is little love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, or self-control. And my children reflect me. I fell that we're both so grim & hard & demanding. I see my selfishness that holds back from all of them & I justify it as tiredness. Indeed, I am tired. Not only physically but longing for spiritual refreshment. Tired of self-righteousness & finding our rightness becomes a brittle facade. I just want to be filled with your spirit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness.

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9